Becoming The Muse

Guest post

CHAPTER 1

The story begins here, with my memory. A memory of the future. This is a story involving a girl. A girl I met years prior to this date. Ok, so I just lied. Ok, I didn’t ‘lie’ but I think we need to define somethings. See I ‘met’ this girl, and a few days later, or was it the next day, let’s just say, the first thing she asked me was “We met?” and my honest and truthful answer was “No”. So I ‘met’ her, but we didn’t meet.   Let’s rewind a little.

21 October (a decade or so earlier)

Ok, so we rewound a bit more than a little. But now let’s rewind just a little more. A few days, weeks, perhaps months before this day. Let’s call the date:

‘a little before 21 October ….’

A creature consistent with certain habits, routines and some measure of dalliance with the system of life in the world around me, round about the same time that I always did, I was walking to school. Ok, let me be a little more truthful. I was walking towards ‘her’. And to ensure that meeting her would repeat itself, it was important that I left at the time I left.

I would walk briskly till I was within the general area that I often saw her, then I’d adopt a deathly S.L.O.W pace, till I caught sight of her, and adjust my pace so we met at the EXACT same spot e-very time. See some coincidences need help to keep recurring with exactness. Ok, so I would have met her on the same road anyway, it was just that much more meaningful when the SPOT was the very same one. Not that anyone else was measuring.

So there I was walking towards her. (Mom, dad, if you’re reading this, you know that’s a joke right, I was going to school, and no, I was not calculating speed and distance towards a girl, I was…practicing math and calculus. *angel👼face*) back to the “joke” *wink wink*.

WOULD I SEE HER TODAY?

Would I see her today? I’d been seeing her all these other days, why should today be any different? See, the seeing her part: I needed that part to stay the same. But today. Today would be different. Today would BE different because I was different. Today I would BE different. Today I would no longer hide my thoughts and feelings. Today I would speak. Today I would say what I had been yearning for days, weeks, months actually. Today, finally I would say:

“Hi!”☺

ONE WORD

As I walked down that trodden road. The part I wanted to be the same, was the same. In tandem with my desires, here she was. Alone. The days she walked with her friend. Those days it was harder to sum up the courage to speak. But as she was. One girl. And all I had to say was One word:

Hello!

Hi!

Hey!

Morning!, see ‘Good Morning would be two words, one word too many. ‘morning’ would do just fine. One word. All I had to do was SAY something. I could even remark on how I used to have the exact bag she had, only where hers was orange, mine was blue. It was my favorite bag that. Till it was stolen from our house. My distant cousins were over. An inside job was highly suspected.

But let’s get back to the job of telling this girl with a bag like mine the things that were inside my bag of thoughts. I could tell her that I think she got hers in the same country that I got mine, no wait, I could ASK her that, that way we have a conversation. I already suspected she was from the same country I got my bag. We could talk about that too, about my many trips and visits there, yes, there was lots to talk about about, but for the moment. One word.

One word to break the silence. To break out of the prison of silence. The prison of thoughts feeling and emotions held at bay.

HOLDING BACK

Why was I so afraid? Why was I holding my tongue? Wait, it was time to cross over to ‘her’ side of the road. I waited for the car that was coming, so it would seem like I moved to get out of the way of the car. Subtlety is the name of the game. Stealth movements. I was on fire today! Ok, so now we’re on a collision course. Both walking in the formerly dusty, recently tarred and paved cycle track. Confined space, where saying “Hi!” is not out of place.

Why was I holding my tongue? Was it my tongue that I was holding back? They say that to the eye, a picture is as a thousand words. Well to the heart, a single word is as a thousand worlds. Worlds cascading with all manner of emotion. Worlds held back from commotion by silence. The silence keeps the peace, well n the outside. Inside all chaos and turmoil. Raw thoughts and feelings. Bubbling and yearning to be heard.

Today was their day. Today my inside voice was getting Shawshank Redemption. Today was ‘Prison Break Day’.

THE DOOR

Something about saying “Hi” to her seemed to suggest opening a door. Opening a door that simultaneously released my trapped and unexpressed thoughts and feelings, and ushered me to the lifestyle of one who expresses their convictions, one who reveals his or her true self. Saying “Hi” heralded opening the door, the door that leads to the vastness of the unknown, the unknowable. The vastness of freedom. And freedom.

Freedom is frightening! Here in the prison, on this side of the door; Here where i don’t touch that door: limitation and confinement are VERY defined. Clearly. After opening that door, after “hello” who knows what will happen? I’m used to the discomfort of the familiar. I don’t like it one bit, but I’m used to it.

Better the devil you know than the one you don’t know. Well today I was about to find out if ‘they’ were right about that. I was on the precipice of meeting a new devil, in the form of a girl, with the form of an angel.

I could feel the blood rush of conviction embolden me, so much so that my gait changed. Oozing with confidence, to mask over the nervousness. As she drew closer, the distance disappearing rapidly for as I took a steps in her direction, so was she taking steps in mine. I could see my hand reaching for that door.

Today was an important day, because it was the last day of regular class and school. As of the next day, we would be on study break, then exams would begin. So the chances of even just seeing her would be minimal to none, let alone another chance to talk to her. If I said nothing today. I may never see her again. That’s why I’d spent an entire hour rehearsing ONE word:

Hi..
HI!!!
Hi🎵
Hi👍
Hiiiiiiii!
Hi!
Hi deep sexy voice+nod
Hi deep sexy voice-nod
Hi.

THE MOMENT OF DESTINY

Here at last a little more than an arms length away, my hand reached out for that door, the door to freedom, the door to the unknown, the door to a new day, a new era in my life, the door that…

That I walked right past. In the same deafening silence as all the other days. Louder today because I really thought today was the day. Sigh… I was afraid to turn back. Afraid that she won’t look back, more afraid that she would be looking back too, then what… So I walked on to school this time.

In my moment of destiny. In my moment to speak, all I did was remain SILENT. My heart unheard. My deepest thoughts, my feelings. Would anyone ever know?

Chapter 1

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The Inlovetuation a series by @jShingiMagada

WinterABC2023