Of Lacking Toes Intolerance

I almost died the other day.
A huge snake tried to swallow me whole, I was minding my own business at the back of the yard when it jus popped out of the blue right in front of me, like the slithering serpent it is, and it was trying to have me as an after breakfast snack I presume, its fangs were barred like a rabid dog flicking its forked tongue about provocatively, it was as long as from here to where I am, and its teeth were yay big, I think it was just like the anaconda I saw in that movie I fell asleep watching the other day,  I don’t know what color it was because I didn’t really see it, as such…… 🙈
….All I heard was a rustling sound and I knew…
No other creature makes a rustling sound like that, I tried to kill it by screaming in a particular frequency that will shutter its skull and burst its brain.
I think I sounded more like someone taking an ice cold shower on a really cold day at 4 in the morning.
I am sure it did not work.
Because today I woke up to find a rat on my doorstep. A rat that looks like it got swallowed then spat out, by a snake.
At first I decided I am never going outside again but then when the boogeyman comes for you, you do not put a blanket over your head and pretend the monster does not exist. Oh no. You put the blanket on the monster’s head and it thinks it does not exist.
Then you slay it.
You see facing your fears like any life challenge is just like a bullfight. You grab the bull by the horns, wrestle it to the ground and when it’s down you stab it.
Walking away in slow motion is an option.
Anyway so now, I am lookin for a stick to hit the snake with across the spine,
a rock to bash its head in,
a machete to chop its head off,
then place it in an old rubber tyre,
pour petrol on it and set it on fire because that’s how you kill a snake dead!!
Anyhoo may I please have some match sticks or a lighter or just bring me electricity or fuel for the generator (this is what happens in my overactive mind when I sit in the dark for too long, it’s been almost 38 hours without electricity) the movies playing in my imagination are starting to freak me out!!

Snakes are scary it’s OK to be scared of them.
I think it’s something to do with that they have no legs, you could call me LackToes intolerant.
I look at it slither sinisterly along the ground in the serpentine manner only a serpent can and I think “oh, look at that lovely piece death, where were you when every other creature was standing in line to get their limbs?”
(fish don’t count since they live in water)
The Millepede said: can I have 1,000s and 1,000s
The Spider: 8 is fine
The Ant said: 6 is cool with me.         Man: I will take two please

and the Snake was just slithering along hissing and all and said Nuh dont need any.
And that right there is my problem with snakes.
I know exactly the type of snakes I do not like:
>big snakes
>little snakes
>sticks which look like snakes
>things that rustle like snakes

I know not all of them are poisonous and they are probably more scared of me than I am of them.
But there is that one; the possibility is … possible. The deadly viper that with all likely likelihood, indeed will bite you and with a certain certainty you die.

So I now no doubt reach the propitious, inevitable conclusion.

All perfectly reasonable, possible, probable and inevitable.
All Snakes Must Die or stay away from me.

Memoirs of a Lack Toes intolerant man.

~B

PS no snakes were harmed in the making of this post.

43 thoughts on “Of Lacking Toes Intolerance”

  3. I will have to find a way to use that phrase today. Great post.
    We had a knock at the door two evenings ago. Our neighbor’s two small children came to ask my husband to please come kill the big snake in the back yard. It was a large snake, about 3 feet long. My husband had his foot on the snake’s head and neck and was about to dispatch it, when the lady of the house had to rationalize why it should be spared. My man says “fine, if you want it to live, come pick it up and throw it over the fence.” She was fine with dispatching it after that.👏

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  4. Hahaha! I’m sorry this happened but I’m laughing so hard. The images… 😀 Actually, I don’t mind snakes (well, the ones that won’t kill me). I kind of think they’re pretty. O_o For me, it’s SPIDERS.

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  5. Hilarious B!! I needed a good laugh today and this post is so timely because I recently became addicted to The Walking Dead and oddly enough some of the ways you discuss in disposing of the snake is how they get rid of the “walkers.” Oh and I love this measurement “as long as from here to where I am,” if you don’t mind I’m gonna have to borrow this phrase because it’s far clearer than measuring distance in time hahaha.

    Snakes are sinister but there is another creature far more sinister than the snake. I know I couldn’t believe it either but here it is – the worm. Yeah, that’s right at least with snakes you know their head from their tail but worms – yuck. And if you cut them in half each section will go about on its merry way. Heed these words very carefully B. never, ever trust a worm.

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    • I watch The Walking Dead ^_^ … maybe its graphic elimination of “walkers” rubbed off on to me
      hmmm snakes would be called …crawlers or slitherers?

      Oh dont mind borrow away I thought that was a delightful measurement of distance especially since noone can see me gesturing my hands about ^_^

      eeeew worms HAVE NO LIMBS they are like tiny little baby snakes…..
      you bite a shiny red apple and a worm is eating away at its core… NOOOO

      AND wise words those never trust something you cant tell its head from its tail, ( its like being two faced… erm tailed or headed or something ) never ever trust a worm.
      ~B

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      • You are so funny B. You never disappoint!! It’s getting a little harder to see my huge monitor these days so I probably be a little MIA until after my eye surgery but I hope to reblog a previous post or posts within the next couple of days.

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      • aaaaawe ok …. incase I forget to say it all the best hey in the surgery (thats what you say right?) oooh hey wouldnt it be super cool if you got lasers or xray vision dont mind me I am brain storming for a possible character lol
        peace and love Steph

        ~B

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      • You know what B? That’s a fantastic idea!! I’m gonna mention this to my doctor. The next thing on my to do list will be my super hero costume. It simply wouldn’t do to have super power xray vision without a cape and some sort of costumer. Crap, I’m not gonna be able to design it until after the surgery.

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  6. I read this very early this morning, trying to be quiet and not wake up my husband. It was impossible to not laugh out loud! So funny…and I’m not fond of snakes at all, but the title …yes! Oh, and I’ve never heard anyone else besides my family say something was ‘yay’ big! Love it!

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  9. Listen Tarzan, you freaked me out good and proper when I read this article about snakes!
    Hell no. There are snakes here in the UK, but they are either dangerous pets that people can no longer look after, or black adders. They hide in bushes, peoples cars, etc.
    I just think I would have died a thousand times if confronted with that monstrousity!
    I know that they are there in Kenya, but even though your on your home soil, I being you would not like to come face to face with that!
    Anyway, good day my friend, and I’m so glad you’re ok.

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  12. Pingback: Of Being Loyal As A dragon, Creative and Fireballs | becoming the muse

  13. We have rattlesnakes where I live. For them, we’ve decided a shovel is the perfect anti-snake weapon. Beheading eliminates the whole smelly burning-it-in-a-tire phase of destruction, if you’re so inclined to skip it. 🙂

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    • Snakes and cute…. Hmmmm nope that adjective can not go with that noun!!
      If I had a gun with two💣💣 bullets and I stood between a snake🐍 and a hungry hungry beast🐲 I would shoot the snake, twice✨✨ 🔫

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