I almost died the other day.
A huge snake tried to swallow me whole, I was minding my own business at the back of the yard when it jus popped out of the blue right in front of me, like the slithering serpent it is, and it was trying to have me as an after breakfast snack I presume, its fangs were barred like a rabid dog flicking its forked tongue about provocatively, it was as long as from here to where I am, and its teeth were yay big, I think it was just like the anaconda I saw in that movie I fell asleep watching the other day, I don’t know what color it was because I didn’t really see it, as such…… 🙈
….All I heard was a rustling sound and I knew…
No other creature makes a rustling sound like that, I tried to kill it by screaming in a particular frequency that will shutter its skull and burst its brain.
I think I sounded more like someone taking an ice cold shower on a really cold day at 4 in the morning.
I am sure it did not work.
Because today I woke up to find a rat on my doorstep. A rat that looks like it got swallowed then spat out, by a snake.
At first I decided I am never going outside again but then when the boogeyman comes for you, you do not put a blanket over your head and pretend the monster does not exist. Oh no. You put the blanket on the monster’s head and it thinks it does not exist.
Then you slay it.
You see facing your fears like any life challenge is just like a bullfight. You grab the bull by the horns, wrestle it to the ground and when it’s down you stab it.
Walking away in slow motion is an option.
Anyway so now, I am lookin for a stick to hit the snake with across the spine,
a rock to bash its head in,
a machete to chop its head off,
then place it in an old rubber tyre,
pour petrol on it and set it on fire because that’s how you kill a snake dead!!
Anyhoo may I please have some match sticks or a lighter or just bring me electricity or fuel for the generator (this is what happens in my overactive mind when I sit in the dark for too long, it’s been almost 38 hours without electricity) the movies playing in my imagination are starting to freak me out!!
Snakes are scary it’s OK to be scared of them.
I think it’s something to do with that they have no legs, you could call me LackToes intolerant.
I look at it slither sinisterly along the ground in the serpentine manner only a serpent can and I think “oh, look at that lovely piece death, where were you when every other creature was standing in line to get their limbs?”
(fish don’t count since they live in water)
The Millepede said: can I have 1,000s and 1,000s
The Spider: 8 is fine
The Ant said: 6 is cool with me. Man: I will take two please
and the Snake was just slithering along hissing and all and said Nuh dont need any.
And that right there is my problem with snakes.
I know exactly the type of snakes I do not like:
>big snakes
>little snakes
>sticks which look like snakes
>things that rustle like snakes
I know not all of them are poisonous and they are probably more scared of me than I am of them.
But there is that one; the possibility is … possible. The deadly viper that with all likely likelihood, indeed will bite you and with a certain certainty you die.
So I now no doubt reach the propitious, inevitable conclusion.
All perfectly reasonable, possible, probable and inevitable.
All Snakes Must Die or stay away from me.
Memoirs of a Lack Toes intolerant man.
~B
PS no snakes were harmed in the making of this post.
I once heard that you can chase snakes by banging pots and pans together, they won’t like the noise.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Interesting, I will keep that in mind. How about stomping around the yard, would they like that, watching me dance, would they like that,
^_^
LikeLiked by 1 person
lol…stomping Nae Nae all over the place
LikeLiked by 1 person
Watch me…. watch me .. Lol
LikeLike
So, you love snakes then?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absofreakinglutely
LikeLiked by 1 person
Its spiders for me
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear old Death on 8 legs
LikeLiked by 1 person
In your part of the world maybe, here theyre just a scary pain in the arse lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
I will have to find a way to use that phrase today. Great post.
We had a knock at the door two evenings ago. Our neighbor’s two small children came to ask my husband to please come kill the big snake in the back yard. It was a large snake, about 3 feet long. My husband had his foot on the snake’s head and neck and was about to dispatch it, when the lady of the house had to rationalize why it should be spared. My man says “fine, if you want it to live, come pick it up and throw it over the fence.” She was fine with dispatching it after that.👏
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahaha oh gosh its easy to rationalize if you are not the one whose hands get dirty such as with snakes and with life hey
thanks for sharing that and I fell a little less silly with myself for not being a snake fan.
~B
LikeLiked by 1 person
Where we live, it’s been proven….there are always more snakes out there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
its settled I will never visit… ever lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! I’m sorry this happened but I’m laughing so hard. The images… 😀 Actually, I don’t mind snakes (well, the ones that won’t kill me). I kind of think they’re pretty.
For me, it’s SPIDERS.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I see Simon likes spiders, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahahaha pretty NOOO even if one crawled to me looking all pretty and said “Hug Me” I’d say NOOO!!
SPIDERS how bout when you see one and you reach for a shoe to squash it with (ProTip do not stab it with a knife you will miss squash not stab) and its gone where did it go where did go???
LikeLike
That. Is. The. Worst. I wrote and entire post about one spider. Your post reminded me of it. 😀 It was awful. (The spider…not the post.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hilarious B!! I needed a good laugh today and this post is so timely because I recently became addicted to The Walking Dead and oddly enough some of the ways you discuss in disposing of the snake is how they get rid of the “walkers.” Oh and I love this measurement “as long as from here to where I am,” if you don’t mind I’m gonna have to borrow this phrase because it’s far clearer than measuring distance in time hahaha.
Snakes are sinister but there is another creature far more sinister than the snake. I know I couldn’t believe it either but here it is – the worm. Yeah, that’s right at least with snakes you know their head from their tail but worms – yuck. And if you cut them in half each section will go about on its merry way. Heed these words very carefully B. never, ever trust a worm.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I watch The Walking Dead ^_^ … maybe its graphic elimination of “walkers” rubbed off on to me
hmmm snakes would be called …crawlers or slitherers?
Oh dont mind borrow away I thought that was a delightful measurement of distance especially since noone can see me gesturing my hands about ^_^
eeeew worms HAVE NO LIMBS they are like tiny little baby snakes…..
you bite a shiny red apple and a worm is eating away at its core… NOOOO
AND wise words those never trust something you cant tell its head from its tail, ( its like being two faced… erm tailed or headed or something ) never ever trust a worm.
~B
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are so funny B. You never disappoint!! It’s getting a little harder to see my huge monitor these days so I probably be a little MIA until after my eye surgery but I hope to reblog a previous post or posts within the next couple of days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
aaaaawe ok …. incase I forget to say it all the best hey in the surgery (thats what you say right?) oooh hey wouldnt it be super cool if you got lasers or xray vision dont mind me I am brain storming for a possible character lol
peace and love Steph
~B
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know what B? That’s a fantastic idea!! I’m gonna mention this to my doctor. The next thing on my to do list will be my super hero costume. It simply wouldn’t do to have super power xray vision without a cape and some sort of costumer. Crap, I’m not gonna be able to design it until after the surgery.
LikeLike
I read this very early this morning, trying to be quiet and not wake up my husband. It was impossible to not laugh out loud! So funny…and I’m not fond of snakes at all, but the title …yes! Oh, and I’ve never heard anyone else besides my family say something was ‘yay’ big! Love it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahahaha nothing like early morning laughter to start the day, yes?
The title should even come with acronym LTI UNITE! hahahaha
YAY ^_^
~B
LikeLike
LTI UNITE …Yes! Love this! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha! “No snakes were harmed in the making of this post” Cracked me up. (Glad you are still with us.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey the main actor never dies, the snake will them and after three days of agony…. the snake dies ha!
LikeLike
Haha clever! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
^_^ ta
LikeLiked by 1 person
Listen Tarzan, you freaked me out good and proper when I read this article about snakes!
Hell no. There are snakes here in the UK, but they are either dangerous pets that people can no longer look after, or black adders. They hide in bushes, peoples cars, etc.
I just think I would have died a thousand times if confronted with that monstrousity!
I know that they are there in Kenya, but even though your on your home soil, I being you would not like to come face to face with that!
Anyway, good day my friend, and I’m so glad you’re ok.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi… I have nominated you for the Liebster Award.If you chose to accept it see my blog for the T&Cs at
https://tasvikahere.wordpress.com/2015/10/20/my-liebster-award-nomination/
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was hilarious! I do hope the snake doesn’t return, but he will become a legend with this tale! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha thanks… This is how legends are born ^_^
~B
LikeLiked by 1 person
We have rattlesnakes where I live. For them, we’ve decided a shovel is the perfect anti-snake weapon. Beheading eliminates the whole smelly burning-it-in-a-tire phase of destruction, if you’re so inclined to skip it. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Death by beheading nice lil trick, and so final too… ^_^
But if one is particularly inclined with setting things on fire and watching them burn……
LikeLike
Not sure how I missed this post but you and your comments have made me laugh…specially the nae nae one omgosh lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha you are very much welcome ^_^
LikeLiked by 1 person
I saw a little garden snake on the path as I walked yesterday and thought of you. He was kinda cute, but you probably wouldn’t agree. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Snakes and cute…. Hmmmm nope that adjective can not go with that noun!!
If I had a gun with two💣💣 bullets and I stood between a snake🐍 and a hungry hungry beast🐲 I would shoot the snake, twice✨✨ 🔫
LikeLike
This article is absolutely timeless (”,)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I need to examine your head.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No worries I checked it myself…and its perfectly fine.
~B
LikeLike