I almost died the other day.
A huge snake tried to swallow me whole, I was minding my own business at the back of the yard when it jus popped out of the blue right in front of me, like the slithering serpent it is, and it was trying to have me as an after breakfast snack I presume, its fangs were barred like a rabid dog flicking its forked tongue about provocatively, it was as long as from here to where I am, and its teeth were yay big, I think it was just like the anaconda I saw in that movie I fell asleep watching the other day, I don’t know what color it was because I didn’t really see it, as such…… 🙈
….All I heard was a rustling sound and I knew…
No other creature makes a rustling sound like that, I tried to kill it by screaming in a particular frequency that will shutter its skull and burst its brain.
I think I sounded more like someone taking an ice cold shower on a really cold day at 4 in the morning.
I am sure it did not work.
Because today I woke up to find a rat on my doorstep. A rat that looks like it got swallowed then spat out, by a snake.
At first I decided I am never going outside again but then when the boogeyman comes for you, you do not put a blanket over your head and pretend the monster does not exist. Oh no. You put the blanket on the monster’s head and it thinks it does not exist.
Then you slay it.
You see facing your fears like any life challenge is just like a bullfight. You grab the bull by the horns, wrestle it to the ground and when it’s down you stab it.
Walking away in slow motion is an option.
Anyway so now, I am lookin for a stick to hit the snake with across the spine,
a rock to bash its head in,
a machete to chop its head off,
then place it in an old rubber tyre,
pour petrol on it and set it on fire because that’s how you kill a snake dead!!
Anyhoo may I please have some match sticks or a lighter or just bring me electricity or fuel for the generator (this is what happens in my overactive mind when I sit in the dark for too long, it’s been almost 38 hours without electricity) the movies playing in my imagination are starting to freak me out!!
Snakes are scary it’s OK to be scared of them.
I think it’s something to do with that they have no legs, you could call me LackToes intolerant.
I look at it slither sinisterly along the ground in the serpentine manner only a serpent can and I think “oh, look at that lovely piece death, where were you when every other creature was standing in line to get their limbs?”
(fish don’t count since they live in water)
The Millepede said: can I have 1,000s and 1,000s
The Spider: 8 is fine
The Ant said: 6 is cool with me. Man: I will take two please
and the Snake was just slithering along hissing and all and said Nuh dont need any.
And that right there is my problem with snakes.
I know exactly the type of snakes I do not like:
>sticks which look like snakes
>things that rustle like snakes
I know not all of them are poisonous and they are probably more scared of me than I am of them.
But there is that one; the possibility is … possible. The deadly viper that with all likely likelihood, indeed will bite you and with a certain certainty you die.
So I now no doubt reach the propitious, inevitable conclusion.
All perfectly reasonable, possible, probable and inevitable.
All Snakes Must Die or stay away from me.
Memoirs of a Lack Toes intolerant man.
PS no snakes were harmed in the making of this post.