Once upon a chilled Friday, playing the Euro Truck Simulator with the guys because we were staying in our lane literally (in other words too broke to come up with a weekend plan) There’s something therapeutic about Euro Truck Simulator, its not a game game but hours tick away with just you; a haulage truck and the open highway, no rhyme or reason.
In the interest of protecting the parties concerned on this particular Friday, I will call this squad Athos, Porthos and Aramis; the three Musketeers. Just like the legendary squad this one too could be split into The Charmer, The Drinker, The Fighter and The Mastermind.
Porthos is The Fighter: the man with a hot sword in a world full of butter sculptors. He is a man of action not words, quick to swing his fists. Not only does he finish fights he also them.
Aramis is The Charmer, a real ladies man, he is roguish, daring and caring just like a gummy bear. Sometime we call him Mr Steal-your-Bae because as long as there is no ring on that finger its anybody’s game and sometimes not even that can stop him when he is on the prowl.
Athos is The Drinker: The man always has a beer mug in hand or scheming a plan of how to get his next glass. You can get him to go along with anything as long as he wont be drinkless.
Athos tried to borrow a soft loan from Aramis, who promptly stated that he didn’t have any to spare end of story, right?…. wrong. This story was just beginning.
In the time it takes to say the word Catfish. Athos had created a mademoiselle Milady de Winter character, with a complete social media profile and a web-influencer rating.
Act II Scene I
“What is this?” remarks Aramis as he opens his phone to find some highly risqué photos from one Milady de Winters. Another message pops in from Milady de Winters apologising for the inappropriate photos that were meant for her boyfriend’s eyes only, oops, wrong number.
“No harm done” Aramis texts assuring her a fine figure of a woman such as herself deserves to be worshipped; wistfully his only regret is that it is not at his alter that her body is worshipped and how envious he is of the man who conducts her communion, eats of her flesh and drinks her wine.
Aramis is in his element, texting up a storm as he scrolls through his image gallery for inspiration, eyes on the prize. He “learns” how Milady de Winters is a final year varsity student, with a boyfriend whose name is also Aramis. Taking that as a sign to help out a fellow Aramis, he texts his willingness to assist a fellow namesake its in the names rule book after all.
The coup de grace is when Milady de Winters admits that her Aramis has been distracted in the administration of his affections and the risqué pictures had been intended to rouse some excitement as she felt like a goddess whose chief-priest had become an atheist. As Aramis considers himself a gift to women, he suavely pledges;
“perhaps, I could be of….erm service…..“
Act II scene II
Milady de Winters sends a text message confirming her willingness to come over for Friday night Netfilx and chill, subject to the availability of a taxi fare.
All this while, I am sitting smack dead right between these Aramis and Athos… like the two thieves and Jesus at his crucifixion **mbavha mbiri Jesu pakati** Porthos is sitting on the floor closest to the PC monitor to better fiddle with the joystick as he badly maneuvers the truck through dangerous curves. I sip my cup of tea like that frog not saying a damn thing, just nodding sagely like one who knows things and understands.
Aramis turns to me and asks “Should I transfer this foxy damsel money?”
“I thought you had no money” I quiz back
“I have a small stash fund for emergencies” Aramis replies making air quote gestures at emergencies
“Its your money” I tell him and just like that Aramis does a mobile money transfer to Milady de Winters phone number. Pothos on my other side winks as he tilts his phone to shows me the received funds transfer confirmation message, gesturing me to secrecy.
Smiling grinning like a Cheshire cat Aramis excuses himself “Later losers, I have a hot date with destiny de Winters” He even borrows the last few drops of my prized imported cologne, smelling good and smiling good if do say so myself as he disappears out the front door.
As soon as Aramis leaves the house, Athos’s phone starts ringing *Aramis’s number*
Athos answers the phone in a girl voice and tells Aramis estimated time of arrival and where he can wait; while I try super hard not to break out in laughter.
Soon as Athos hangs up, he deletes the Whatsapp account, deletes milady de Winter’s Facebook and Instagram, removes the simcard and breaks it into pieces then throws them into the trash.
As we set out to buy a bottle of Johnnie Walker, Athos asks me“How did you know this would work?”
I laugh and laugh and laugh and reply “manners maketh the man”
The names are made up but the drama is real.