Of Coffee With Consent

Trigger warning: Rape

If you were having coffee with me, I would ask you that:

If you came over for coffee and after I poured you a steaming hot hug in a mug and you decided you no longer wanted coffee and would rather have plain water instead…

Would you expect that if you declined the offered cup I would hold you down and forcefully pour it down your throat? That I might wait for you to fall asleep and then make you drink the coffee as you slept or might I even spike the water to get you pliable to the coffee even, no?  

You certainly would not expect me to lock the door and say you can’t leave unless you drink the coffee I brewed, as you knew when you visited that I had invited you for coffee and what of all the time I spent preparing…

This sounds absurd right? And yet I refer only to a cup of coffee… what then of Consent.

In the past week the word consent has been trending as people discussed what consent is and the rape culture of entitlement. This followed a social media post about a lady who was raped after going to a sleepover at her boyfriend’s house.

Rape at a sleepover
*Social media handle cropped out for privacy

As goes the culture of victim-blaming, some were quick to point out how the lady put herself in a risky situation by going to a sleepover if she did not expect the sex to happen…. Some argued that everyone knows what going to a sleepover at bae’s implies and people should not be naïve about it, while others countered that a sleepover had no such implication like Netflix and Chill, some genuinely just watch movies and chill.

Irregardless (yes, it’s a word move on) of what happens or does not happen at sleepovers and that couples need to be open about their expectations, at the end of the day, it comes down to one word, CONSENT… without which we are no better than animals, taking what we want when we want.

Consent is more than yes or no
#ConsentMatters

An infographic from Simon Fraser University on Consent Matters

Consent Matters

An animated video by the Thames Valley Police explaining consent as simple as a cup of tea

52 Comments

  1. Hi Beaton! I haven’t had a chance to go through your recent posts, I’ll make sure to do that soon :)).
    This is a good post, I actually read something interesting of similar topic (but not quite the same). I commented on that post as well, and I mentioned that while my username states quite explicitly that I am a feminist, I do not write much about feminism (barely any, actually) because it is a topic of a rather sensitive nature. I am not the type of feminist to confuse misandry with the advocacy of equality between the sexes. This could be spoken of with respect to the notion of feminism. I believe so because it entitles females to the right of choosing, the equality of choosing. What you have written here is very important, and should be widely known information (probably is, but also widely ignored).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely refuse to believe that ‘irregardless’ is a word. Even if I find it in the Oxford, Cambridge and Merriam Webster dictionaries 🙄

      This is 100% what happened to me and I did not tell anyone at the time for fear of being told ‘well what did you expect’
      It’s a weird world we live in, fully grown human beings have to be explained to that x does not mean y and no does not mean yes.

      Beautifully written post as always🌸🌸🌸

      Liked by 2 people

    2. These sensitive conversations are conversations we should normalise having… If something is widely known but widely not talked about it becomes widely ignored and assumptions take over.

      Thank you for sharing

      ~B

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “Unconscious people don’t want tea.” That made me laugh. It’s news to me. I always want tea. No, of course, I’m kidding, but who in their right mind would refuse tea? I understand that some people will say no to tea because they’d rather have coffee, and I also understand people say no to tea only then to say yes because they smelled your cup and decided they wanted it after all. Or they said no at first not to trouble you, but since you were making it for yourself anyway, they decided to ask for it, too. However, I do not understand if someone wants tea and then, once I make it, they change their minds. Unless you got an urgent call and need to leave, you better drink that tea that I just made you.

    Consent is an absolutely important topic. However, I’m glad that I’m not out there in the dating world because my head would be spinning. I’d probably have a lawyer on retainer to make sure I violated nothing.

    It’s OK to change your mind for sure. But, maybe we should also teach people to try to make up their minds? Maybe we should encourage thinking before speaking and/or acting?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Every time I watch that video, “unconscious people don’t want tea” makes me chuckle. The bottom line is…minds change. People shouldn’t be forced to drink tea they don’t want even if that’s annoying to tea-makers.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Seasons change, caterpillars change, everything changes except maybe bad politicians but minds or those will definitely change…
        I have brewed many a cup of tea only to decide after the sip that I no longer wanted tea. 🙃
        ~B

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I made a cup of tea and I’m falling asleep before I’ve finished it.. 🤣🤣 and if I finish it I would stay wide awake so I chose sleep
        ~B

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The consent cup of tea video is such a great explainer, though it saddens me that we need it at all. I hope these things change over the generations and people have more respect as a basic approach.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. We need it because we have not been having this conversation we need to normalise conversation around this for society to have a generation that respects people’s choices

      Thank you for visiting Vanessa
      ~B

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Its sad that we live in a world where you need to spell out these things but then again making assumptions played a large part in us ending up here…
      Hopefully we learn and do better thank you Vanessa
      ~B

      Liked by 1 person

  4. There is an Indian movie called PINK which revolves around exactly the same issue you pointed out – CONSENT. The movie touched the society’s sentiment and one of its dialogues is quite famous which is – NO means NO.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Consent is EVERYTHING! Excellent post, naive young women. I was one of those growing up and it seems things will never change. It’s good to talk or write about this subject, so thank you! 🙂 And thank you for the coffee, I mean tea! 🥰

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s a sensitive topic but we definitely need more conversation around it otherwise how would those who don’t get it, know they don’t get it? 🤔
      As is painfully pointed out, people are taught how to avoid risky situations but not as much effort is put in addressing the flip side of the coin.

      Thanks for visiting
      ~B

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I just want to give you a virtual HUG! I should try and be stronger and have a better (or bigger) voice. Hmm… I get scared, isn’t that crazy? It’s like waaayyyy out of my comfort zone. I’m so happy that you get it, that video is so good that you shared!! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I really liked this video and am just discreetly forwarding it to those who seem to not get.
      Looks like it’s a combination of both and with society and its warped sense of double standards the waters become very muddy indeed
      ~B

      Liked by 2 people

    1. We spend a lot of time assuming a lot of things instead of actually talking them Until the conversations we never have become headline news and staggering statistics and we are wondering what sort of a people are we?

      ~B

      Liked by 1 person

    1. What I like best about the video is how it makes the point clear without finger pointing Or witch hunting those who “don’t get”
      Oft times it this sensitive discussion ends up with stereotyping lot of stereotyping and mud slinging but not an explanation as to the point the ones who are not getting are not getting. Rendering any progress in the matter moot

      Thanks for dropping by Trent
      ~B

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Heavy topic for coffee today. The tea video is a great consent video and it does make the point clear. I actually just finished a course on sexual assault and how language used to speak to a victim can create a culture of victim blaming without directly meaning too. It was really informative and the course made use of the tea video.

    Thanks for the virtual coffee Beaton. Hope you have a nice weekend.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You are so right, society is primed to victim blame sometimes even without intending to…

      I searched for this video after I saw a reference to it while trying to explain consent. It employs a very diplomatic tactic and I have noticed conversations around this subject require delicacy otherwise it devolves into a lot of finger from which no one learns or comes up with a way forward as everyone gets their hackles raised trying to defend their position…

      Thanks for visiting
      ~B

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Pam

      It is a very sensitive subject but one we should normalise … We go through life assuming a lot of things instead of actually communicating.

      Thanks for visiting Pam

      ~B

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Please how can I like this post a million times?
    The message is crystal clear, visible to the blind and audible to the deaf.
    Thank you for this especially the animated explanation.
    Consent is EVERYTHING!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Michele
      I asked around the verdict is that the video is age-appropriate for high school especially the seniors about to get into the real world
      sorry for the late response and thank you
      ~B

      Like

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