Genre: comedy
I have long since acquired a particular set of skills, skills which include not being overly fussy about the food I, I will find food and I will eat it.
I do not mean to brag, I can eat anything and I have eaten what I have killed, many times, not that I am auditioning for to be on an episode of Survivor.
Very little surprises me, being a mission boarding school product…
where the head cook’s finger goes missing and a fingernail turns up in your meal, a lizard’s tail blending into hot vegetables like its got chameleon skills, and it’s still wriggling around even in death despite being cooked…..and footsteps in the night
When it comes down to starve or eat…. I pick not starving. I do not discriminate against anything edible based on calories rating or aesthetic appearance, unless it smells bad, there is always an exception.
I have a knack for finding exceptions to every rule, which is a really a fancy way of saying I do not follow rules, especially rules I do not like which are usually rules that do not make sense, what do you mean I before E except after C, see that is just weird.
This also includes generalisations, I never include myself even in my own generalisations, I am not most people, I am unique, just like everyone else.
Apart from toughening up my digestive system and learning the fine arts of skipping ice cold showers and still appearing as if you bathed; (mostly in the winter season but again there were exceptions.)
I also acquired a set of skills that make me lethal to chickens. As a practical in Agriculture lessons we had to rear the school’s chickens and then dined on them on Thursday and Sundays meals but they had to be slaughtered first.
The first chicken was the hardest, you always remember your first kill, but it gets easier and you get faster more efficient and make a whole lot less of a bloody mess.
So I can kill and fancy dress a chicken in many different ways mind bending ways with or without a knife and jug of hot water in just under five minutes. The are many way to kill a chicken and I have applied several of those in real life situations.
I think that’s pretty impressive stuff but do not tell that to my niece who still wants to know what happened to her pet chicken “Huku”, we had Huku for dinner, not as a guest but stir fried with a generous serving of salad.
Moral of that bit of the story is do not make pets of your dinner menu, never play with your food.
I watched this documentary about how they train child soldiers in some countries by making them look after a pet, killing and finally eating it (it was some intense stuff) I am not saying my mission school experience in anyway made me a soldier but if war against chickens ever breaks out, or if we had to hunt for our own food….. I would as they say in the movies when giving Executive Orders to Execute terminate with extreme prejudice
Years later here I am thinking how I am all prepared for life, death and the chicken apocalypse (it’s kinda like the Zombie Apocalypse but with chickens trying to perk your eyes out)….. Yes I definitely have an indiscriminate set of skills, if any chicken is reading this, I will find you and I will eat you.
~B
#BlogBattle Entry themed Indiscriminate and yes I watched Liam Neeson’s movie Taken Countless times 🙂
P.S. if you ever need a chicken killed I am your guy
Becoming The Muse 
I’m honestly not sure what to say. Some of this post had me laughing out loud, some made me cringe, and some (the child soldier training) horrified me.
Yes, B, you have skills. Though you forgot to mention ‘writing’ as one of them.
(Poor Huku…🐓)
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what a whirlwind of… erm, emotion 🙂
how could I forget to mention writing, that’s my favourite one right next to laughing, oooh and reading â¥â¥â¥â¥â¥
Thank you Sarah *big smiley face emoji*
~B
P.S. Huku was D.e.l.i.c.i.o.u.s ^_^
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Eew! 😝
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That’s some skill. Certainly something I couldn’t do. I feel too sorry for the chickens.
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someone has to kill the chickens unless you are a vegetarian 🙂 thanks ~B
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Poor, poor, Huku. Like Sarah said the child soldier training is disturbing but in that particular culture it’s probably so routine it’s not given a second thought – sad.
On a lighter note, a chicken zombie apocalypse?? Nah, I’m not having it!! After Sunday’s episode of the Walking Dead you can count on me to be by your side terminating with extreme prejudice.
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hi Steph 🙂
always love it when you drop by
hahaha Huku was tasty lol
yes, the child soldier training is disturbing 😦
hahaha oh yes I remember you mentioned you were a fellow walking dead fan from an old post about how to kill a snake
team B lol
~B
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Yup you’ve got a good memory. 😄
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hahaha I remember yesterday like it was today 🙂 you would definitely want me on your team when playing a memory puzzle game….. or even the weakest link or jeopardy my head is crammed with lil pieces of info… did you know a giraffe’s tongue is blue just like a spider’s blood
~B
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You paint so vivid a picture B, the chicken apocalypse with chicken plucking out eyes, soooo gothic!!!! Some awesome read there !!!
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thank you Elizabeth 🙂 hahaha Gothic indeed if you visualize it .. don’t though haha you will have sleepless nights
~B
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If chickens could read, mommy chickens would scare their children into behaving using you. You know the sort of thing I mean: “Now be a good little chick and don’t peck at Charlie even though he smells funny. If you do, Beaton will find you and eat you up!”
Truly wicked chickens could dress up as you and frighten the poor chicks until someone pulls the latex mask off.
Sorry about that, this was supposed to be a comment, not a story. But it certainly reflects well on your writing that someone is already writing fan fiction. 🙂
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hahaha I loved this actually.. don’t perk at uncle Charlie even though he smells funny dead dead dead
so I’d be some Chicken’s Bane….. a story told by chickens boutique only they are alone no one else but them chickens….
but the ones that dress up as me to scare others (hoping that is only on Halloween and not for some sinister purpose ) those are the ones you should look out for, Eat those ones first hahaha
fanfic…. whoop whooop thanks Cathleen made my day really
~B
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Chicken-zombies, ruuuuuuun! They can fly! That’s worse than normal zombies!
Glad you’re back this week. 🙂
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they can fly…….. and they coming to perk you in the eye ahhhh lol it’s great being here really 🙂 glad you dropped by whoop whoop
~B
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waaaaaah, no pecking birds! If I throw them corn, maybe they’ll eat it instead of me!
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that could work……. but how much corn will you have, it will run out eventually
~B
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uuuuuu…hadn’t thought of that……
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My 4 year old niece also thinks her friend huku ran away. i looked at those sweet innocent eyes and i just didnt have the guts to break her heart and put her off meat for life. I could never stomach such a big responsibility because nyama ndizvo shamwari
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I’m glad I’m not a vegetarian and reading this! Those poor chickens definitely stay clear of keeping them as pets if you intend to serve them up as dinner!
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I am so glad I don’t have vegetarians on this post this would be soooo awkward, yes?
~B
p.s. and turkeys too must keep away from being my pets lol
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Yep, keep those turkeys at bay, at least we normally only eat those at Christmas!
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♥♥♥♥ everyday is thanksgiving
~B
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Chicken is bae, the only animal that actually dies for you/me… I will eat anything except something too fatty, there is just a way fats will haunt you as you sleep, it’s ironic.
~S
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chicken is awesome hahahaha
thanks for dropping by
~B
P.S.would you eat crocodile?
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Hahaha…. I bet crocodile has less bits of fat, I would really want to taste that… ☺😂☺
~S
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tastes a bit fishy though hahaha
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Just because Crocodiles are a threat to man, I wouldn’t mind feasting on their meat..hope I don’t sound evil.
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hahahahahaha maybe just a tiny lil bit evil but isokay if you were not a lil mean you would eat only veggies hahaha no meat
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Lol a whimsical voyage.
If I ate chickens I would get you to kill them ethically for sure.
When the chickpocalypse arrives you will be safe, that must provide a level of comfort and confidence lol
Interesting read.
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hahahaha you are welcome ^_^
Thank you for dropping by…
I walk with confidence and comfort of one who knows I am ready for the chickpocalypse .
~B
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All meat comes comes at a loss of life. I accept that and eat meat.
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how about s moment of silence for all the vegetables they are living things too
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Never thought of myself as a ” Mission boarding school product”… Perfect description for us “homies” Beaton…. However, the nuns should’ve baptized it RC boarding-school, SCHOOL OF SKILLS. . .LOL
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School of skills indeed 🙂
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I can’t kill a chicken to save my actual life. I can’t dress it either. In fact, I can’t eat chickens I have previously seen alive, happily frolicking in the garden. The only chicken I want to eat is one I’ve picked up in Pick n Pay 😁😁. Also, unlike you, I’m a very fussy eater. Very! *Sigh*
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lol did you or did you not go to boarding school ?
Well it would help if you didnt name your chickens
~B
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Nodding. I see what you meant.
Postscript:
“learning the fine arts of skipping ice cold showers and still appearing as if you bathed; ” Christen taught me this skill in 2016 on top of the Drakensberg. And I love her for it. She commented before me.
“Moral of that bit of the story is do not make pets of your dinner ” I don’t know. If I were a chick (excuse the pun)…At least make me feel loved before you trust me with your digestive system and sphincter. My hate for you might turn into poisonous cancer or acquire laxative properties. Kidding. Sort of.
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I read somewhere that one can taste it, whether an animal was violently killed and butchered vs one thats put to sleep then slaughtered or something like that, but I wouldnt know about all that the hunter instinct in me cares mostly about survival
~B
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