Becoming The Muse

Guest Post

TW – contains child loss

A very long thread.
So in 2010, I was pregnant with a boy a baby boy. He was lovely a mirror image of me chubby cheeks big round eyes and a heavenly smile (which note at that tender age he used to shower on the female nurses.) He was born at 7 months a severe premature at an alarming weight of 650grams.

I could literally hold him in the palm of my hands. He was so tiny that it was scary. I would stand by his incubator and stare at him wondering if I would be able to cope with feeding him, changing him etc. Had to get special daipers for him cause his weight was in the special special department. The reason I gave birth to what I got to love as my angel was because my BP rose a few days before he was born to an alarming high that I went into premature labor. After his birth, it rose due to stress and fear of handling his weight in his slow tortoise pace.

After three months on the day of his last weigh-in he weighed a whooping 1780g (if you’ve had a premature baby you would know the joy you would feel at attaining that weight) meaning on the Monday we would be heading out of the hospital.

Alas, that wasn’t the case. That Friday O’Brian spent the whole day restless high temperature and nothing could calm him down. I tried everything, breastmilk but he wouldn’t calm down. Only in the evening whilst watching Hazvinei on ZBC WOZA Friday and she played Alexio Shaina did he kept quiet.

He stared into my eyes and smiled.

He kept that gaze until the song stopped and he closed his eyes and slept little did I know that years later I would realise that he was sending a message to me and saying goodbye at the same time. He didn’t cry after that he was his normal flirty self smiling at all the ladies.

11pm I woke up to feed him as was the norm but my boy was lying beside me lifeless. I shook him but he was limp, I ran to the sisters’ station shirtless as we would not wear anything on top whilst in kangaroo.

They tried everything, I stood in a daze. Hoping that I would wake up from the nightmare, it only sunk in when they called my family and I fainted. When I woke up I was lying on the bed in the nurses’ station. I woke up screaming and crying uncontrollably.

Where earlier in the day I was choosing the matching outfits we were to leave with, I was choosing a coffin for my boy. Lying in the coffin it was like he was sleeping and would wake up. It never happened and we buried him.

6 years down the line I gave birth to twin boys, Jayden and Aiden. I praised God that he had blessed me not once but twice.

I was a proud mother once again, but not for long. 10 months down the line I was running again to the clinic both my boys had high temperatures. I was at work deep in the bush in Filabusi. Was told to look for a car since there was no ambulance. I ran around and finally got one.

I ran back to the clinic to tell them I had found a car as I entered the gate I felt weak and I knew something was wrong. I rushed to the ward and Jayden was lifeless. They tried to push me away but I screamed that I didn’t say goodbye to O’Brian I have to hold my baby.

I held him in my arms and cried uncontrollably once again, I put him down and tried to walk and I fainted. Woke once again on a mattress screaming, once again. Shaking and mumbling inaudibly. They brought Aiden so I could feed him I couldn’t hold him I couldn’t give him his milk.

In an instant, he turned for the worse. We were bundled into my hods car where we were taken to the district hospital. Every second he got worse and worse and in that moment I believe I lost my mind for a while. We ended up at Mpilo where he stayed 12 days in ICU with needles stuck anywhere they could be stuck.

Jayden spent 7 days in the mortuary, like he was waiting for his brother to join him. It took a toll on me psychically and emotionally. Trying to take care of my surviving son and trying to lay my dead son to rest.

Pachivanhu chedu, I pleaded with Jayden to allow me to lay him to rest so I can concentrate on Aiden because if I was to lose them both I would surely lose my mind. He relented and once again I was choosing a coffin and seeing my boy sleeping in it as if he would wake and yet again putting him 6 feet under.

I sang Amazing Grace and Be Still (Catholic version) went back to the hospital and spent one month and a half nursing Aiden back to life.
So today I was reliving everything and asking God if I did something wrong unknowingly so I could apologise and he may forgive me.

October 7 2021 marks 4 years since I lost my Jayden. I wasn’t okay for a long time. Constantly crying, mood swings, depression. Today I can safely say I am okay.

I shared my story in a space and when I did I exhaled and I felt at peace and for the first time in years, I was genuinely at peace. I thank you all and appreciate you all because you my family from another mother’s. You helped me heal and on the 4th anniversary of Jay’s passing I am smiling, I am happy, am at peace. No dread, no regret I celebrate his life and I have all of you to thank for my complete healing.

From A Twitter Thread Originally tweeted by jaytee(Trish) (@trishjay2271314)

About the author

Jaytee(Trish) is a proud Zimbabwean lady. Mother of two adorable angels. A lover not a hater. Loves reading, writing, travelling, swimming and life it’s self. Been broken so many times, but each time I come out stronger, have never forgotten how to smile and love. My superpower is just being me through it all.