Becoming The Muse

I am not a big fan of meaningless conversations especially at 2am in the morning and as a wise someone from a tv series once told me nothing good happens after 2am. I should have listened.

Its to easy to say I love you when you run out of things to say…

That’s how I found myself in a relationship.

“I love you”

Silence…

“Hello…?”

Silence still followed by a call disconnected tone.

Well, I thought as I sighed to myself, that is that and that is that. The End.

But it wasn’t the end it was just the beginning because just as I was about to drift off to dream land; ring ring went the phone, jolting me wide awake.

It was her, calling me back.

“Hello..” I answered.

“You have no idea how much I have prayed that you would say that. I love you too you crazy man”

This time it was my turn to be silent… What are we? Does this mean we are we dating now? You know what they say about eating a dog, if you are going to eat a dog, at least eat the biggest one you can find.

“I love you too”

After a string of nonsense, no you hang, no you hang up silliness of a new romance we finally hung up or ran out of calling credit or whichever came first.

The things I got myself into.

It all started after a rather awkward church attendance, see I am inclined to the traditional church and feel lost in the new Pentecostal church, the speaking in tongues during the service, the casting out and the manifesting out of demons.

“Out” the pastor shouts with his hand plastered firmly on your forehead, you are the last in line, everyone else is on the ground writhing out in deliverance; everyone that is, except the pastor and the ushers making sure the writhing congregation preserves their modesty, covering up ladies with wrappers lest they writhe themselves naked

I take all this in while the pastor bellows at the demon in me.

“Out”

He shakes my head like its can of spray paint and I can feel my brain bouncing around in my skull, and thinking is hard, how had I got myself into this.

There’s this girl I liked.

There’s always a girl, isn’t there, nothing quite brings out the craziness than a girl.

Every time I saw her, I felt like I was dying, I could feel every beat my heart made, I had to remember to breathe, every single breath.

 She would say “Hello.”

And I would nod back because I could not trust my voice, it’s very difficult to breathe and talk and if I did not not breathe I would die, so I smiled, nodded and waved as she walked past me.

One day she stopped and said the longest thing she ever said to me, “We having a revival at our church, this coming Friday, I would love it if you attended…”

To my feverish brain that translated to if you attended the revival I would love you. I have always wondered if she knew, that I would nod yes, because I was totally and completely smitten, and she broke my heart.

She was the pastor’s wife, I should have known, how could I have known, I was such a fool. There she was at the revival, on the pulpit, side by side with her husband; the pastor. I felt myself die a little, everything seemed distant, the sermons droned on and on people sang glory! Glory! The most high was exalted and I felt like the sinner I was, breaking commandments lusting after married women, adultery at its finest.

I even begun to think I might have been a little possessed, how had I not known she was the pastor’s wife, had I not seen the large ring on her finger, I don’t remember seeing it besides we had never talked, not really, and I had never talked to anyone about her. When the pastor called for congregates to stand in line and receive their deliverance I too stood dutifully in line and when my turn came.

“Out” he screamed again for the umpteenth time, I had lost track but seems like a whole lot of people were gathered around us, shouting “fire” pointing to me pointing to the heavens to rain holy ghost fire over us.

I felt nothing, not the fire, nor the demons in me, nothing except the pastor’s hand shaking my head this way and that pushing me backwards and forwards, I lost my balance and fell, I did not see any flashing revelation or feel delivered.

“Hallelujah” the pastor shouted.

 “Hallelujah” the congregation answered back and burst into a worship song, as I too writhed and cried on the ground, I was eventually helped to my feet and hugged and brushed clean, everyone was jubilant yet I felt like a fraud but I could not bring myself to tell them they were all rejoicing over a grand charade of nothing.

Instead we prayed, well they prayed and I watched them till I locked eyes with a girl from across the room then I closed my eyes and mumbled incomprehensible gibberish “rhubarb, rhubarb, shoulda boughta honda, Shakira Shakira She Bob She Bob..” wondering if the lord would strike me dead.

I was not struck dead but after the closing prayer the girl from across the room walked up to me;

“You did not close your eyes when we were praying” she statedly pointedly.

“And how would you have known?” I replied.

She laughed like a school girl and we got to talking, I never went back to that church but we exchanged phone numbers and that is how we got to be having meaningless conversations at 2am.

“If a girl and a boy are in a room alone, they will definitely not be praying”

Those words were a flashback from my Gross Anatomy lecture. Our Gross Anatomy lecturer was an old Greek man who spoke softly it was hard to hear him even over the PA system that was installed in the lecture theater, not surprising students would fall asleep and he would make random statements like that just to make sure attention drifted back, or say “do you want to see pictures of naked people”

Which was a trap because that’s what he said before switching over to the slides of cadavers so we could head over to do the practicals, yep Gross Anatomy was definitely Gross.

Also here I am thinking about Gross Anatomy when I was with my what are we… girlfriend.

Gross.

What had triggered that random memory was we were in her room, alone. We were holding hands and we were praying, well she was praying and I was watching her, if that old varsity professor could have seen this we would have laughed for days, and I would have asked for an A+ pass.

But he was partly right we hadn’t started off praying, a playful touch here, a playful touch there, and before you know it kissing and a whole lotta fumbling but before things got too hectic, she had broken it off and said lets pray about this.

We prayed, well she prayed and I watched. I felt her warm hand in mine, sweaty, her chastity ring digging into my palm, as the cold floor dug into my kneeling knees on the threadbare carpet at the foot of her bed.

I felt like such a fraud, what are we? Maybe I was her temptation, sent to lead her away from her path.

I must have gotten lost in my thoughts because I eventually noticed she had stopped praying, her hand was still in mine and she was looking at me, looking at her. I must have seemed like I was looking past her, through her, into her soul.

“I prayed to, to the Lord. To show me a sign. A sign that that..we should not do… This.” she spoke haltingly searching for words.

 “I did not get any answers… and if you want… we, we can… you know…” she added shyly as she reached for the zipper of her Maxi dress to tug it down.

“I can’t do this” I sighed

“Its ok we can just lay here”

“No all this.., I cant do this.., all of this not to you…, I am not ready for someone like you and you deserve someone who first seeks HIM before he finds you…”

I entangled my hands from hers and walked out of her life, I did not turn around to see her break down and cry but I heard her sobbing. “I am doing the right thing” I told myself and kept walking.

The things I get myself into. Meaningless conversations and mindless actions

What are we? Broken Up

Of all the hearts I broke…..

~B

May or may not be based on events real or imagined and any coincidence purely coincidental, and names have been excluded to protect the identity of the fictitious characters who live purely in my head and that’s my story and I am sticking to it.