OF LETTING GO OF WHAT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE
I had a dream today morning, it was around 5 in the morning I think. That is when my mind is always awake, but my body is still sleepy. And maybe that is why I tend to have dreams that are directly related to my life, close enough, you would think I am thinking, not just dreaming. But it was a dream, it was my first love, my childhood love, we were all grown up in my dream, we were having fun, we were enjoying each other’s company. In my dream, he was happy as he is now, in my dream he was full of life, we had a future, and he was with me.
I woke up heartbroken.
Oh! Let me tell you a little bit about us, before this dream…
We grew up together and were in a Sunday school class together, and you know in kids group there are those who are famous, me and him were that. He liked me, I liked him too, but we didn’t know how to express it. He thought I was too hard to get, insensitive, selfish and entitled, and so he dated other people. I didn’t know how to deal with that and so I got mad at him. Then he moved, and we also moved from where we were staying, and so our Sunday school group died.
But then years later we chatted a little bit. And he told me “you know I used to like you, but you “are” selfish”. I not knowing how to respond and desperately in need of love
I asked him, “Do you still like me?”
And he said, “You know that I can’t hold a “crush” after all these years…”
I was crushed, in my mind he was my first love, in his, I was a crush. But still I held on, just in case…..
Years later, we had an outing, and we met again, with all the people from our Sunday school group, now all grown up, sharing grown up stuffs. To which he kept reminding me of how selfish I was as a kid, and how I treated everyone badly. All I did in that meeting was to keep apologizing for everyone I had hurt in the past, oh no, who I had hurt when I was a kid. But still he kept on throwing at my face that I am nothing more than just who I was as a kid, selfish and insensitive.
Hours after that, he broke the news that he was getting married my heart sunk; I left heartbroken.
He got married, thank God I was out of the country, I didn’t attend his wedding.
Here I am, having dreams with the past. Here I am, not holding on physically but every now and then when I think of the past, I think maybe if I grew up a little bit faster and knew how to take care of people in my life, I would have been somewhere else… married?
Every now and then I forget that we human beings grow, in every area of our lives, and that we evolve whether those people we desperately want them to see how far we have come see the growth or not.
And then I forget that, where I am in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be. Like in this journey called life, it wasn’t supposed to be different, I am living it exactly the way am supposed to live it, am doing myself a huge mistake to blame myself for the growth that got me here. So now am gonna celebrate my growth, I am gonna celebrate how far I have come, married or not. Those meant to stay in my life, will; and they will see me evolve and cheer for me and my growth.
Here I am letting go, of what was never meant to be, I believe there is nothing like a right person who came at a wrong time, if you were right what were you doing at the wrong time? You were never meant to be; we were never meant to be. What is right for me will be in my life. And so here I am letting go, in my mind and physically. Here I am letting go of the one who got away, forever. Here I am letting go of my approval addiction, yes I have grown and it is okay if I am the only one who sees that.
Happy married life childhood friend. I pray for more blessings, happiness and joy in your life. I am glad that I didn’t show up at your wedding and I am glad that I am healing and letting go of what I thought should have been. I am glad our life crossed path in the past, if it wasn’t for you reminding me of who I was in our outing I wouldn’t have been able to see my growth, and could have still be craving approval and love from people like the way I am craving chocolate right now.
Hello to breaking free and letting go and more chocolates.
About the Author:
Eunice Tossy is a 24-year-old, Tanzanian born, recent graduate. In love with travelling, eating and having conversations. Currently on a journey to discover herself and the world.
Website : abiblegirl.com